A Letter of Concern-Pregnant Pitty Party

Photo by Kara Rush Photography

Recently a friend of mine posted this little gem as his status on facebook:

"I might be pregnant. Why else would I be craving Café Rio?"

Here is my response:



Dear Friend,

You think you might be pregnant because you have a craving for something you don't normally like? Wow that must be so frustrating and confusing for you. Do you have any other symptoms that would indicate that you are in fact, pregnant?

For instance, do you feel like you have the flu? Or do you gag every time you brush your teeth, sometimes causing you to vomit up the food you just forced yourself to eat. Which makes your bladder spontaneously release, so you pee yourself, while standing there puking with toothpaste all over your face?

I totally know how you feel. It's horrible, isn't it?

Or do you find yourself feeling hungry like every 2 hours, and nothing in the world sounds appetizing to you at all, until you see a commercial for pancakes on TV. So you pack yourself into the car (because you obviously don't have the energy to make pancakes for yourself since you are so weak from not eating fast enough, not to mention that morning puking session we just discussed) and drive to McDonalds to get some pancakes. Only to find that they already stopped serving breakfast. So you pull over in the parking lot, and cry hysterically like a little baby because you are so hungry, but you honestly can't eat anything but pancakes? And you would feel so stupid walking into an actual restaurant to eat pancakes alone. 

What a nightmare you must be going through.

Does it feel like your stomach is so heavy that you struggle to sit up on your own, or stand for more than 5 minutes, or roll over in bed, and your back is starting to feel like it is broken from all the pressure on it. Not to mention that your guts actually feel like they are so heavy, that at any moment they could just fall right out of your body and onto the floor?

That is rough.

Photo by Dawn Altier Photography

Do you get tired from just walking up the stairs? Or standing up for more than 10 minutes? or eating, or breathing? And then fall asleep at night before any of the good TV shows start, only to find yourself wide awake in the middle of the night because you are too hot, or too cold, or you had a gnarly dream, or because something is kicking you over and over in your intestines?

That is the worst isn't it?

Do you have constipation, paired with the kind of hemorrhoids that would make a grown man cry? And do you have to give yourself a pep talk just to get through one session in the bathroom? So now you are so good at giving pep talks, that you could probably be a Notre Dame Football Coach, or a Motivational Speaker, or something?

Yeah me too.

Do you live in fear of the day when a human being will come tearing through your body, leaving open wounds in places you never knew could hurt so bad? But no matter how afraid you are, there is no way out? And does everyone you talk to feel the need to tell you all the gory details about their horrific experience going through the very thing you are living in fear of? 

I totally get that.

Does it feel like you are sore everywhere? Like you did a P90X workout yesterday? And all you want to do is sit in a hot bath, but your bathtub is filthy because you haven't had the energy to scrub it for weeks, and even if it was clean, all the pregnancy books say that hot baths are "unsafe" when you are pregnant. And you wish you could take something for the pain, but Advil (not to mention every other worthwhile drug besides half a dose of Tylenol) is not allowed either. So all you can do is lay around on a recliner with a heating pad, and try to fall asleep so you won't have to deal with the pain anymore?

Yeah, I totally remember that at the end of my last pregnancy. I feel so sad for you that that's how you are feeling right now.

Photo by Kara Rush Photography

Wait, that's not how you feel? 

You are just having a random craving? And you are a guy, so you will never actually know what any of these symptoms feel like, besides the one tiny random inconsequential craving you are having, that doesn't consume all your thoughts, or cause you to cry hysterically, or force you to drive miles out of your way just find a way to satisfy it?

Oh...then you must not be pregnant. 

Nevermind.

Sincerely, 
A concerned friend

This letter was not sent. Somehow I don't think he would appreciate it as much as some of us do.