Wednesday, December 31, 2014

2015 Is The Year I Become Good At Everything




I am sitting here by my beautifully lit tree probably for the last time. Because I probably won’t turn on the lights after today, since its getting pretty dry, and we have irrational fears of things lighting on fire around here. 

Both of my kids are napping at the same time right now, which obviously means the stars are aligned, so I have some time to write, reflect, and prepare my goals for next year.
I have recently come to the realization that modern day motherhood is about living in a constant state of being pulled in a million directions at once. So many expectations are placed on our role, and the extra side projects that many of us engage in with it. But rather than ball up in the fetal position between a pile of laundry, and the chair I’ve been meaning to put on Craigslist, I am going to face these challenges head on. All of them.

I don’t know how I’m gonna do it. Because even as I write this very post, the dog needs to be fed, the laundry needs to be switched, my sister is in labor, and I have an etsy order to finish. But I’m sure going to try. 

Now before you read any further, please remember who is writing this. It’s me, The TWIT.  I am not good at being a housewife, or a mother, or a responsible adult for that matter. I get ticket(s) for driving in the carpool lane alone. I let my son ride his scooter inside Hobby Lobby. Today I ate candy and tiny oranges for lunch, and if my Christmas tree lights on fire this week, it will be the fourth time the Fire department has been to my house in a year.

But 2015 is going to be different.

2015 is the year I become good at everything.

So without further ado, here is my list of New Year’s Resolutions.


1. Blog as often as possible
Like Everyday or so. Might not be pretty. Might not be good. But it's time to make it happen.


2. Instagram like it's my job
Specifically pictures of my toddler in ridiculously fashionable clothing, pics of me in whatever amazing outfit I threw on that day, and food pics from my new totally amazing meal plan #hole30.

3. Post on Facebook
Whenever I see a good meme that I didn’t make, which by sharing I will get tons of free likes.

4. Get Skinny (Who am I kidding)  
    Get Fit
By eating well, using Skinny Wraps, and Exercise. Yes this means I’m going to join the ranks of the masses at the gym in January. The people I used to hate for clogging up the treadmills from January 1st to February 14th. This year I’m gonna be one of those resolution band-wagoners. I’m still deciding between Pure Barre, and Stroller Strides. But if I’m being honest, I’ll probably just end up at the YMCA.

5. Be totally present with my kids
Give them all the love and attention I have while they are awake. So no one sees me at the park on my phone, and writes an open letter blog post about how I am missing their childhood. Then when my kids are in bed and all my love and patience are used up for the day, write snarky blog posts. Sorry Husband.

6. Wake up before the sun 
Do a bunch of stuff to make my life easier before the kids wake up. Like feed myself, brush my teeth, clean the whole house, and rewash whatever mildewed laundry got left in the washer yesterday.

7. Make a concerted effort to do all the chores I hate
Every.single.day. So I feel less like I am drowning in a sea of sucky-chore avoidance, and more like I am owning housewifedom. These include, folding all the laundry before it gets worn again, cleaning spilled milk out my car, hand washing the non-dishwasher safe dishes, and making a real meal for my family for dinner every night (not dino chicken nuggets and an applesauce squeeze pouch like I usually eat).

8. Never buy another dish that isn’t dishwasher safe In the words of some rad lady, “ Aint nobody got time for that!”

9. Get a nice camera
We can’t all be insanely talented with just an iPhone camera like Casey Leigh. So I need to get a nice one, and figure out how to take some amazing pics with it, so this blog looks less like a poorly lit, pixelated, hot mess.

10. Become a perfect hostess
Throw three epic, color coordinated, Dessert Table rocking, pin worthy, planned well ahead, prepared for little by little, super amazing, parties. And I actually have a great time at the party for it to count.

12. Get my Etsy Shop in gear
Have a consistent amount of orders coming in. I don’t want to be an Etsy Rockstar or anything, like the shop owners who Instagram pics of piles of packages ready to be shipped. In the words of Joey Cape, I’m “Going for the Bronze” here. I just want to sell enough to have some street cred with the other moms at the park. (But seriously I just need to make enough to pay for the Little Giant to go to preschool.) And to give me an excuse to craft during naptime every day. Instead of hand wash the stupid dishes.

13. Buy A House

14. Decorate The House
Fill up a Pinterest board with all the home d├ęcor ideas I want to use to decorate said house.
Decorate the house.
Take pictures of the decorated house and put them on this blog so everyone can pin them to Pinterest.
This is the circle of life Simba.

15. Buy all the things
That a quintessential Orange County housewife is supposed to have. I’ll blog a list of those tomorrow...soon.

16. Buy More Handmade

Especially t-shirts that  glorify being a Mom.

Like these, these, and this one for my kids. 


17. Have A Third Baby
Because three is the new two. Or at least it was ten years ago, so I am way behind the trend now.

18. Stop Using Colorful Language
It's time. 

19. Be Early To Everything
I have to. I cannot be that girl who is late to everything anymore. Because I am about to become that Mom who is late to everything, and that is just not the kind of Mom I want to be.

20. Report my progress 

On this blog.


Happy New year!
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***No one paid me to say any of this stuff. And these are all my own opinions.***

Thursday, October 9, 2014

I Was Never Going To Lie To them


When I was young and newly married, I was just filled to the brim, with ambition and ideas about how I wanted to raise my children.  

I wanted to teach them to speak English, French, and Spanish. So they could be trilingual by the time they were in preschool.

I wanted to feed them vegetables twice a day.

I was never going to raise my voice to them, or say things like; "Because I said so" and "You need to work it out yourselves". (I still shudder even typing that one out, because of residual damage from being the younger sibling who always lost at "working it out".)

I wanted to have my children potty trained by two years old, and never ever have two kids in diapers at the same time.

And most of all, I was never going to lie to them. 

I had carefully considered the pros and cons of all forms of lying to Children.

Using the bait and switch.

"You can have a surprise if you brush your teeth." ...The surprise was something lame like a new tube of toothpaste, or a turn to choose the bedtime story.

I decided that that could lead to eventual distrust and I didn't want to chance it. So that type of lie was definitely out. 

Trickery for a purpose. 

"If you eat the crust of your sandwich, your hair will turn curly." ...I force fed myself crust until I was twelve because of this one. ...Still a little bitter about it.

So that type was definitely out.

Famous fabricated characters used to inspire good behavior, and/or scare children into submission. 

"OK, now lets be good so Santa will bring you lost of presents." or "The tooth fairy doesn't give money for teeth with cavities." 


Why should they live in a fantasy world for their first few years just to have their dreams crushed by some blabber mouth kid on the playground. Therefore coming to the realization that their parents are liars, and they should probably not trust them ever again.

And last, but not least;

The blatant evasion of an awkward question.

"Mom, where do babies come from?" Well the good ones come from Nordstrom, and your brother is from Savers.



I could see the appeal of this one, but wanted to avoid any form of lying at all costs, in order to avoid the backlash I was convinced would ensue should I tell my children one lie. So this type would have to go too.

I had myself convinced, that even though no woman who came before me had ever actually succeeded at never lying to their children, I was for sure going to pull it off. Out of respect for their young intellect, and fragile emotions.

Until one day...

I was on a trip to the Motherland with my husband's family. We were at church, and my little niece (a native of California) needed to use the restroom. I agreed to take her, so her mother could stay in the chapel and continue listening the speakers.  Little did I know what was about to happen to my poor prematernal dreams.

 No sooner had she stepped into the stall,  when the first question came.

"Why don't they have toilet seat covers in this restroom?" 

Now maybe it was my determination to be honest with my own children. Maybe it was my tendency towards letting words escape my mouth before I think them through. Maybe it was my own germophobia that led me to mutter this (totally age appropriate) response to my six year old niece; 

"Because apparently nobody in this state has STD's." 

Then the followup question.

"What are STD's?"

Aah, what could I say now?!? There I was, trapped in an unsanitary public restroom with a wide eyed young child, asking the most awkward and difficult question. And me with my naive yet ambitious determination to never lie to a child...

But what else could I do. I wasn't about to have the birds and the bees talk (or the Debbie Downer version which includes the discussion of STD's) with someone else's kid, and certainly not in the church bathroom. But, I had to say something that would satisfy her curiosity enough to avoid her asking her mother (out loud in front of the entire congregation) the moment we got back into the chapel. 

So I abandoned my poition, and said this;

"Uh, STD stands for Sitting on the Toilet Disease."

Why couldn't my brain have worked that fast after her first question! Then I wouldn't be in this mess, and I could still keep my lofty goal for a few more years.

But it worked. She was fine with that response, and we skipped off to rejoin our family, and listen to the speaker talk all about honesty.

Just after I had learned the true value of a lie.

No harm, no foul. I learned an important lesson about having more realistic expectations about parenting, and she seemed just fine. Though I'm pretty sure to this day she has never sat directly on any toilet seat, for fear of contracting an STD.

Dangit.
 



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Saturday, April 12, 2014

Dear Verizon Fios-A Letter Of Concern





Dear Verizon Fios,
I am writing because of a great concern I have for your current customer base here in Southern California. You see, my husband, like many other people in this area, is a baseball fan. Specifically a Dodger fan. As I'm sure you are aware, you are not showing Dodger games through your service this season. This, my friends, is a problem...for several reasons:

#1 If my husband can't watch Dodger games from the comfort of our living room, he tends to buy tickets to the games. And he likes to get good seats, which tend to be expensive. More expensive than it would be for me to pay the cancellation fee and cancel your service to go back to Time Warner Cable where he can watch Dodger games at home.


#2 When we were first married and we didn't have a cable provider, he would just take me to a sports bar across the street from our apartment. It was awesome. He could watch the game and I could order a turkey/bacon/avocado sandwich and life was just fine. But now, you see, we have two kids, and there is no way I am dragging my two little sunshines to a Sports bar. Because they would mess the place up with all their running around, throwing things, and starting random lengthy conversations about Nemo, and preschool, and the like, while people are trying to watch games. Then, when we would go back for the next game, there would probably be a sign on the door that said "No Kids". And there are a limited number of sports bars in this area. (Like 150 or so) So that couldn't keep going on for very long.


#3 Have you ever met a Dodger fan? Nay, ever seen one? They are not all happy, wholesome, surf bums like my husband. Some of them are very serious about their team. Very. Serious. Some of them have LA Tattoos on their heads. Some of them carry baseball bats behind the seats in their El Caminos. Some of them are the kind of guys you wish were your cousins, and not the cousins of the guy you're about to fight. You know what I mean? So, I recommend you get this situation straightened out before tensions rise any higher, and all of LA county...***The rest of this line has been deleted so that I don't get indicted for insighting a riot.*** If you think I'm joking, just google "Riot in LA", and have yourself a nice little nights sleep after that.


So in summary, I would like to inform you that I would like for you to do whatever it is that you need to do to get this little issue rectified. Whatever the cause, contracts, money, maybe your company is owned by Giants fans, I don't care.  Sort it out and get it fixed. You have until the next home series begins which is April 18th. If not, I will be canceling your service. And I cannot be responsible for what any other Dodger fans do as well. 

You have been warned.

Sincerely,
A Concerned Customer

Update 9/20/14:
Time Warner Cable conceded their monopoly of Dodger games, and announced that they will be showing the last two series of the Dodgers' regular season on Fox Sports 1, which will play across all cable and satellite networks. ...But it was too late. Verizon Fios didn't stand up for its Dodger fan customers soon or well enough, and therefore they will no longer be our provider. You can call it whatever you want, but I feel like in my own small way, I am sticking it to the man.

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Tuesday, April 8, 2014

This Must Be What He Sees

Last night just as I was going to bed at the end of a long day of a teething baby and colds all around. I walked into my slightly messy bathroom, and glanced at my face in the mirror, and what I saw shocked me. 

Saturday, March 15, 2014

Adventures in Babysitting


So it's no secret to my friends and family that having two kids is kicking my trash. I am only three and a half months in, and have felt like I'm drowning the entire time.

Yeah, drowning, from a couple of cute little kids.

Thursday, December 26, 2013

Gentlemen's Quarterly? Think Again.

Is it just me or did anyone else read the actual Phil Robertson interview article in GQ Magazine? I wanted to read the thing, since it seemed that the entire media world had read it and had an opinion about it. But it was difficult to find. After extensive search combing through related articles however, I did find it, and now I wish I hadn't.

If you would like to read it, go ahead, but don't say I didn't warn you.

Tuesday, August 6, 2013

Listen Closely


The day before yesterday I gave my Little Giant pancakes for breakfast. As you probably know by now, pancakes are pretty much my favorite food on earth. He feels the same way about them.

As we sat at the table, I had a feeling that he could choke, and felt like I should get out my CPR booklet and review what to do when a child is choking. It only took a few minutes, then the feeling left, and we went on with our day.

Then yesterday, we were enjoying an evening at the beach with our family. LG and I left the bonfire for a few minutes to go grab something from the car. There was some candy up in the front of the car, and as soon as my Little Giant saw it, he asked for some, so I gave it to him. It is a type of candy he eats often, and a favorite around our house.


As we left the car to return to the group, I picked him up and carried him in my arms, and handed him one more piece of candy. Then I heard him choking. I mean really choking. Immediately I turned him over and pounded on his back following the treatment steps for a choking infant. I gave him two back thrusts and screamed to my husband that our son was choking.

There was a shrill in my voice, that can only be described as motherly desperation. It was alarming to me to hear it in my own voice.

Monday, March 18, 2013

Word Vomit-Age Is Just A Number...Right?


For as long as I can remember, my Mother has not revealed her age to anyone. All through my childhood she maintained the position that she was 21 years old. I can remember strangers asking her age for various reasons and seeing her say with a straight face "Twenty One" without any further explanation or excuse.