Tuesday, December 25, 2012

Word Vomit, The First On Record

Merry Christmas Party People!

As your Christmas gift this year, I am starting a series entitled "Word Vomit"

I don't know what it is, but I occasionally will blurt out the worst possible thing in a situation.  And when I say worst, I mean the worst.  It is as if my subconscious is trying to sabotage me and all of my human interactions, by forcing me to blurt out terrible, horrible comments to the embarrassment of all who are present, and to the shame of my family, and ancestors, and basically everyone who has ever known me.

I have been doing it all my life.  I just can't seem to stop.

The way my mother describes it, is that as a child I would try to be funny like my Dad was, but instead of actually sounding funny I sounded insulting.

You would think that I would have figured out by now how to be funny without being insulting, but alas, even at 30 years old, I still fail miserably.

... and often.

The first time I have a clear memory of an epic foot-in-my-mouth-fail, and exactly what I said, was about nine years ago.  I was in college, and my boyfriend whom I loved very much was away on a mission and had been so for months.  My roommates and I were having a dinner party for several of or friends and a couple of new acquaintances, who were two boys.  One of which had a physical deformity where his arm was only the length of his elbow.  But I try not to pay attention to such things.

During the evening the two boys noticed that there were several pictures of my boyfriend on display around the apartment, and asked where he was, and if I missed him.

Did I miss him? 

Just the thought of him, and I was overcome with feelings of longing for him, I was barely surviving life without him. How could I even begin to explain that to someone.

I unfortunately chose these words to describe how I felt:  

"It's more than that, it's not like I just miss him.  It's like my left arm is gone."

Wait what did I just say to a guy with only one full arm?!? I thought.

What the heck is wrong with me? How could I say that of all things?!?

And what does he say in response?

He says, "Yeah, I know how you feel."

This only made me feel worse.

I tried to apologise profusely and take it back.  But he dismissed it, and just attempted to give me an out by saying that his short arm was his humor schtick.

But there was nothing he could say that could make me feel like less of a dope.

I am still blown away by how those words could have come out of my mouth at that very moment. It still makes me cringe when I think about it.

Coincidentally my boyfriend did later become my husband, and I am now whole and happy again, though my subconscious continues to sabotage many a conversation with the worst possible comments far too often.


  1. Oh man--your story makes me cringe! I would feel so bad! We all have those moments of saying something that's just so, so wrong. My family has a long-time friend who has a birthmark that looks like he has a black eye all the time. When my husband met him, he just had to ask, "When did you get that black eye?" and, to make it worse, when the guy said, "When I was born." my husband refused to believe him, thought he was joking, and kept pressing him for the truth. I was halfway dying of embarrassment and halfway kicking my husband under the table. ahhhhh...

    1. Oh my gosh! That is hilarious. I love that you shared it. Thank you! And so glad I could make you cringe with my shenanigans as well. Cheers!