Recently I took a trip to the Motherland, the place where my Father was born, where many people who share my culture live, or return to, to attend college, and/or raise their families. I personally cannot live there. I need to live in California, because If I moved to the Motherland I would literally dry up like a fish in the desert. However I do enjoy visiting there often, to see my friends and family, to shop, and to feel like I am not the only one in the world like me.
On my trip, I visited several of my friends and family members. I don't know what it is, but something inside makes me want to make the people who love me the most, laugh all the time. Sometimes this turns out awesome, and they do. However, sometimes this results in horrible, disgusting displays of me saying the most insulting, absolutely awful thing to my loved ones. It really is a miracle that I haven't already been disowned by all of them for such blunders.
Here are the two worst Word Vomit moments of my trip:
(I say worst, because surely there were more than this. But they have fortunately been forgotten)
Word Vomit #1:
Love this girl.
I was visiting my best friend from my youth, and her sweet husband, whom I don't know very well. (because she met him during college in the motherland, and then they stayed there) He is very kind, and outgoing, and quite pleasant to chat with. Overall he is a good looking guy. His hair is thinning, but I have never really noticed that before.
So there we we were, all sitting around in her kids' playroom watching our children happily playing on the ground, as we chatted about old friends. I had the good notion to bring up one of our mutual friends and said: "Yeah, he is such a great guy, he would be pretty handsome, if it weren't for his receding hairline."
At this moment the words What is wrong with me?!? flashed in-and then out of my head.
Pretty sure this guy's embarrassed about what I just said as well. Sorry LG, Mama's workin' on it.
I tried to justify my word vomit with futile comments about how I think good old bald Mr. Clean is the hottest guy ever, and how baldness and receding hairlines look so much better on so many other guys. But my attempts were futile.
They graciously pretended not to notice, while I sat there and died inside. I am sure at this very moment her husband is still fuming, and making completely justified demands that his wife's extremely shallow and idiotic friend can never enter their home to spout off shallow and insulting comments again.
I don't blame him.
Word Vomit #2:
Aren't they amazing and adorable?
I was having a conversation with my totally amazing cousin whom I love very much, and his totally adorable wife. He was telling me a story about his sister's home recently being broken into. The clever burglars had written the words; "You've been Robed." on her kitchen counter in write-on-wipe-off markers. Robbed being spelled with one b.
I laughed at the blunderer's blunder and said: "Man they sure didn't go to college." At that moment I realized that my beloved cousin also did not go to college. Well he started to, but then stopped.
Holy Crap what have I just done? I thought.
Luckily his lovely wife attempted to come to my rescue by quickly following up my idiotic comment with her own intelligent one; "Yeah, or high School, or junior high" To which I added " Or anything past the fourth grade.
But it was really too late. The damage was done. And now my totally amazing cousin (with or without a college degree, I could really care less about such things, especially because he is so much smarter than I am when it comes to things like politics, and history, and comment control) must think I am a completely judgmental and shallow jerk.
Which is sad, because I really liked that cousin.
Word Vomit is a disease to which there is no available cure.
I wish I could start a foundation or something and pay researchers at UCLA to come up with a magic treatment, or pill, or filter transplant procedure. We could do fund raiser walks and walk around with tape on our mouths, and our ribbon color could be mustard yellow, to represent vomit. (You just got a visual didn't you. Sorry about that.)
Anything to find a way to stop the insanity from spewing out of my mouth.
Do you suffer from Word Vomit as well? Here's your chance to share your story in a safe supportive environment. (Wellllllll as safe and supportive as the internet can be.)
Please send the story of your experience to: firstname.lastname@example.org with the words "Word Vomit" in the subject line.
Please be sure to include all pertinent details, as well as what you were thinking at the time of the blunder, so that we can all feel the extent of your embarrassment as we read it.
Also please only submit stories of your own Word Vomit commission. I am sure that others you know have this disease, and that you yourself have been offended by their words, but we don't want to hear about it. We want to hear from those who suffer from this disease themselves.
If you are a Blogger, or have an online shop, or something I can share for you, please also include a link to it in your email. So that we can all become your support group, as you strive to live a normal life despite this awful disease.