2015 Is The Year I Become Good At Everything

I am sitting here by my beautifully lit tree probably for the last time. Because I probably won’t turn on the lights after today, since its getting pretty dry, and we have irrational fears of things lighting on fire around here. 

Both of my kids are napping at the same time right now, which obviously means the stars are aligned, so I have some time to write, reflect, and prepare my goals for next year.

I have recently come to the realization that modern day motherhood is about living in a constant state of being pulled in a million directions at once. So many expectations are placed on our role, and the extra side projects that many of us engage in with it. But rather than ball up in the fetal position between a pile of laundry, and the chair I’ve been meaning to put on Craigslist, I am going to face these challenges head on. All of them.

I don’t know how I’m gonna do it. Because even as I write this very post, the dog needs to be fed, the laundry needs to be switched, my sister is in labor, and I have an etsy order to finish. But I’m sure going to try. 

Now before you read any further, please remember who is writing this. It’s me, The TWIT.  I am not good at being a housewife, or a mother, or a responsible adult for that matter. I get ticket(s) for driving in the carpool lane alone. I let my son ride his scooter inside Hobby Lobby. Today I ate candy and tiny oranges for lunch, and if my Christmas tree lights on fire this week, it will be the fourth time the Fire department has been to my house in a year.

But 2015 is going to be different.

2015 is the year I become good at everything.

So without further ado, here is my list of New Year’s Resolutions.

1. Blog as often as possible
Like Everyday or so. Might not be pretty. Might not be good. But it's time to make it happen.

2. Instagram like it's my job
Specifically pictures of my toddler in ridiculously fashionable clothing, pics of me in whatever amazing outfit I threw on that day, and food pics from my new totally amazing meal plan #hole30.

3. Post on Facebook
Whenever I see a good meme that I didn’t make, which by sharing I will get tons of free likes.

4. Get Skinny (Who am I kidding)  
    Get Fit
By eating well, using Skinny Wraps, and Exercise. Yes this means I’m going to join the ranks of the masses at the gym in January. The people I used to hate for clogging up the treadmills from January 1^st to February 14^th. This year I’m gonna be one of those resolution band-wagoners. I’m still deciding between Pure Barre, and Stroller Strides. But if I’m being honest, I’ll probably just end up at the YMCA.

5. Be totally present with my kids
Give them all the love and attention I have while they are awake. So no one sees me at the park on my phone, and writes an open letter blog post about how I am missing their childhood. Then when my kids are in bed and all my love and patience are used up for the day, write snarky blog posts. Sorry Husband.

6. Wake up before the sun 
Do a bunch of stuff to make my life easier before the kids wake up. Like feed myself, brush my teeth, clean the whole house, and rewash whatever mildewed laundry got left in the washer yesterday.

7. Make a concerted effort to do all the chores I hate
Every.single.day. So I feel less like I am drowning in a sea of sucky-chore avoidance, and more like I am owning housewifedom. These include, folding all the laundry before it gets worn again, cleaning spilled milk out my car, hand washing the non-dishwasher safe dishes, and making a real meal for my family for dinner every night (not dino chicken nuggets and an applesauce squeeze pouch like I usually eat).

8. Never buy another dish that isn’t dishwasher safe In the words of some rad lady, “ Aint nobody got time for that!”

9. Get a nice camera
We can’t all be insanely talented with just an iPhone camera like Casey Leigh. So I need to get a nice one, and figure out how to take some amazing pics with it, so this blog looks less like a poorly lit, pixelated, hot mess.

10. Become a perfect hostess
Throw three epic, color coordinated, Dessert Table rocking, pin worthy, planned well ahead, prepared for little by little, super amazing, parties. And I actually have a great time at the party for it to count.

12. Get my Etsy Shop in gear
Have a consistent amount of orders coming in. I don’t want to be an Etsy Rockstar or anything, like the shop owners who Instagram pics of piles of packages ready to be shipped. In the words of Joey Cape, I’m “Going for the Bronze” here. I just want to sell enough to have some street cred with the other moms at the park. (But seriously I just need to make enough to pay for the Little Giant to go to preschool.) And to give me an excuse to craft during naptime every day. Instead of hand wash the stupid dishes.

13. Buy A House

14. Decorate The House
Fill up a Pinterest board with all the home décor ideas I want to use to decorate said house.
Decorate the house.
Take pictures of the decorated house and put them on this blog so everyone can pin them to Pinterest.
This is the circle of life Simba.

15. Buy all the things
That a quintessential Orange County housewife is supposed to have. I’ll blog a list of those tomorrow...soon.

16. Buy More Handmade

Especially t-shirts that  glorify being a Mom.

Like these, these, and this one for my kids. 

17. Have A Third Baby
Because three is the new two. Or at least it was ten years ago, so I am way behind the trend now.

18. Stop Using Colorful Language
It's time. 

19. Be Early To Everything
I have to. I cannot be that girl who is late to everything anymore. Because I am about to become that Mom who is late to everything, and that is just not the kind of Mom I want to be.

20. Report my progress 
On this blog.

Happy New year!

***No one paid me to say any of this stuff. And these are all my own opinions.***

I Was Never Going To Lie To them

When I was young and newly married, I was just filled to the brim, with ambition and ideas about how I wanted to raise my children.  

I wanted to teach them to speak English, French, and Spanish. So they could be trilingual by the time they were in preschool.

I wanted to feed them vegetables twice a day.

I was never going to raise my voice to them, or say things like; "Because I said so" and "You need to work it out yourselves". (I still shudder even typing that one out, because of residual damage from being the younger sibling who always lost at "working it out".)

I wanted to have my children potty trained by two years old, and never ever have two kids in diapers at the same time.

And most of all, I was never going to lie to them. 

I had carefully considered the pros and cons of all forms of lying to Children.

Using the bait and switch.

"You can have a surprise if you brush your teeth." ...The surprise was something lame like a new tube of toothpaste, or a turn to choose the bedtime story.

I decided that that could lead to eventual distrust and I didn't want to chance it. So that type of lie was definitely out. 

Trickery for a purpose. 

"If you eat the crust of your sandwich, your hair will turn curly." ...I force fed myself crust until I was twelve because of this one. ...Still a little bitter about it.

So that type was definitely out.

Famous fabricated characters used to inspire good behavior, and/or scare children into submission. 

"OK, now lets be good so Santa will bring you lost of presents." or "The tooth fairy doesn't give money for teeth with cavities." 


Why should they live in a fantasy world for their first few years just to have their dreams crushed by some blabber mouth kid on the playground. Therefore coming to the realization that their parents are liars, and they should probably not trust them ever again.

And last, but not least;

The blatant evasion of an awkward question.

"Mom, where do babies come from?" Well the good ones come from Nordstrom, and your brother is from Savers.

I could see the appeal of this one, but wanted to avoid any form of lying at all costs, in order to avoid the backlash I was convinced would ensue should I tell my children one lie. So this type would have to go too.

I had myself convinced, that even though no woman who came before me had ever actually succeeded at never lying to their children, I was for sure going to pull it off. Out of respect for their young intellect, and fragile emotions.

Until one day...

I was on a trip to the Motherland with my husband's family. We were at church, and my little niece (a native of California) needed to use the restroom. I agreed to take her, so her mother could stay in the chapel and continue listening the speakers.  Little did I know what was about to happen to my poor prematernal dreams.

 No sooner had she stepped into the stall,  when the first question came.

"Why don't they have toilet seat covers in this restroom?" 

Now maybe it was my determination to be honest with my own children. Maybe it was my tendency towards letting words escape my mouth before I think them through. Maybe it was my own germophobia that led me to mutter this (totally age appropriate) response to my six year old niece; 

"Because apparently nobody in this state has STD's." 

Then the followup question.

"What are STD's?"

Aah, what could I say now?!? There I was, trapped in an unsanitary public restroom with a wide eyed young child, asking the most awkward and difficult question. And me with my naive yet ambitious determination to never lie to a child...

But what else could I do. I wasn't about to have the birds and the bees talk (or the Debbie Downer version which includes the discussion of STD's) with someone else's kid, and certainly not in the church bathroom. But, I had to say something that would satisfy her curiosity enough to avoid her asking her mother (out loud in front of the entire congregation) the moment we got back into the chapel. 

So I abandoned my poition, and said this;

"Uh, STD stands for Sitting on the Toilet Disease."

Why couldn't my brain have worked that fast after her first question! Then I wouldn't be in this mess, and I could still keep my lofty goal for a few more years.

But it worked. She was fine with that response, and we skipped off to rejoin our family, and listen to the speaker talk all about honesty.

Just after I had learned the true value of a lie.

No harm, no foul. I learned an important lesson about having more realistic expectations about parenting, and she seemed just fine. Though I'm pretty sure to this day she has never sat directly on any toilet seat, for fear of contracting an STD.

Dangit.
 

Dear Verizon Fios-A Letter Of Concern

Dear Verizon Fios,
I am writing because of a great concern I have for your current customer base here in Southern California. You see, my husband, like many other people in this area, is a baseball fan. Specifically a Dodger fan. As I'm sure you are aware, you are not showing Dodger games through your service this season. This, my friends, is a problem...for several reasons:

#1 If my husband can't watch Dodger games from the comfort of our living room, he tends to buy tickets to the games. And he likes to get good seats, which tend to be expensive. More expensive than it would be for me to pay the cancellation fee and cancel your service to go back to Time Warner Cable where he can watch Dodger games at home.

#2 When we were first married and we didn't have a cable provider, he would just take me to a sports bar across the street from our apartment. It was awesome. He could watch the game and I could order a turkey/bacon/avocado sandwich and life was just fine. But now, you see, we have two kids, and there is no way I am dragging my two little sunshines to a Sports bar. Because they would mess the place up with all their running around, throwing things, and starting random lengthy conversations about Nemo, and preschool, and the like, while people are trying to watch games. Then, when we would go back for the next game, there would probably be a sign on the door that said "No Kids". And there are a limited number of sports bars in this area. (Like 150 or so) So that couldn't keep going on for very long.

#3 Have you ever met a Dodger fan? Nay, ever seen one? They are not all happy, wholesome, surf bums like my husband. Some of them are very serious about their team. Very. Serious. Some of them have LA Tattoos on their heads. Some of them carry baseball bats behind the seats in their El Caminos. Some of them are the kind of guys you wish were your cousins, and not the cousins of the guy you're about to fight. You know what I mean? So, I recommend you get this situation straightened out before tensions rise any higher, and all of LA county...***The rest of this line has been deleted so that I don't get indicted for insighting a riot.*** If you think I'm joking, just google "Riot in LA", and have yourself a nice little nights sleep after that.

So in summary, I would like to inform you that I would like for you to do whatever it is that you need to do to get this little issue rectified. Whatever the cause, contracts, money, maybe your company is owned by Giants fans, I don't care.  Sort it out and get it fixed. You have until the next home series begins which is April 18th. If not, I will be canceling your service. And I cannot be responsible for what any other Dodger fans do as well. 

You have been warned.

Sincerely,
A Concerned Customer

Update 9/20/14:
Time Warner Cable conceded their monopoly of Dodger games, and announced that they will be showing the last two series of the Dodgers' regular season on Fox Sports 1, which will play across all cable and satellite networks. ...But it was too late. Verizon Fios didn't stand up for its Dodger fan customers soon or well enough, and therefore they will no longer be our provider. You can call it whatever you want, but I feel like in my own small way, I am sticking it to the man.

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This Must Be What He Sees

Last night just as I was going to bed at the end of a long day of a teething baby and colds all around. I walked into my slightly messy bathroom, and glanced at my face in the mirror, and what I saw shocked me. 

Adventures in Babysitting

So it's no secret to my friends and family that having two kids is kicking my trash. I am only three and a half months in, and have felt like I'm drowning the entire time.

Yeah, drowning, from a couple of cute little kids.

Gentlemen's Quarterly? Think Again.

Is it just me or did anyone else read the actual Phil Robertson interview article in GQ Magazine? I wanted to read the thing, since it seemed that the entire media world had read it and had an opinion about it. But it was difficult to find. After extensive search combing through related articles however, I did find it, and now I wish I hadn't.

If you would like to read it, go ahead, but don't say I didn't warn you.

Listen Closely

The day before yesterday I gave my Little Giant pancakes for breakfast. As you probably know by now, pancakes are pretty much my favorite food on earth. He feels the same way about them.

As we sat at the table, I had a feeling that he could choke, and felt like I should get out my CPR booklet and review what to do when a child is choking. It only took a few minutes, then the feeling left, and we went on with our day.

Then yesterday, we were enjoying an evening at the beach with our family. LG and I left the bonfire for a few minutes to go grab something from the car. There was some candy up in the front of the car, and as soon as my Little Giant saw it, he asked for some, so I gave it to him. It is a type of candy he eats often, and a favorite around our house.

As we left the car to return to the group, I picked him up and carried him in my arms, and handed him one more piece of candy. Then I heard him choking. I mean really choking. Immediately I turned him over and pounded on his back following the treatment steps for a choking infant. I gave him two back thrusts and screamed to my husband that our son was choking.

There was a shrill in my voice, that can only be described as motherly desperation. It was alarming to me to hear it in my own voice.

Word Vomit-Age Is Just A Number...Right?

For as long as I can remember, my Mother has not revealed her age to anyone. All through my childhood she maintained the position that she was 21 years old. I can remember strangers asking her age for various reasons and seeing her say with a straight face "Twenty One" without any further explanation or excuse. 

Valentines Day + Funniest Day On Facebook Ever

Happy Valentine's Day!

This is the first one in a long time that I didn't really celebrate. (At least today) For Good Reason.

Instead I spent the day with this cute little fireman.

Because the Rookie has all these Rookieish things going on this week, like intense studying and then a huge test, a 48 hour shift, and another huge DMV test to get his license to drive the Fire Truck.

Needless to say he has been a little stressed out and busy this week. So we decided to postpone our Valentines Day Celebrations until next week.

He even pulled me aside the day before Valentine's Day and warned me that he hadn't gotten me anything yet, and he didn't want me to be sad when I woke up the next morning and there was no secret gift waiting for me.

Good man.

I assured him that it was no big deal, that I wasn't expecting anything, (I really wasn't) and that our Valentine's Day would be on Monday. I then proceeded to tell him that the only thing I was planning to do for him on Valentine's Day, was to wake up early and make him breakfast before he had to leave to get things done.

Then in the morning when I tried to get up early, he stopped me from getting up, and said, that I didn't need to get up, that it was OK, and that I really needed my sleep. He was right. But I protested saying that I wanted to do something nice for him. (Wow, I really am nice under all that mean exterior, shocking isn't it?) But he assured me that he would rather that I get more sleep.

Better man.

So I happily went back to sleep, mumbling as my head hit the pillow, that I would do something nice for him on Monday. Then he got up, and left for the day.

Later when I finally woke up, I found this on my bathroom counter. Sneaky husband.

Word Vomit-Your Hair Looks Great!

Happy Word Vomit Monday!

The latest Word Vomit experience was submitted by a sweet girl who would like to remain anonymous. But don't worry, I know her story is legit. 

The Irony is Killing me

1. In the middle of watching Les Miserables in the theater, I suddenly realized that I was watching two Australians, arguing in English Accents, while pretending to be French. A little bit of the movie magic was lost for me after that.

source

It's OK To Be Sick and Cry

Warning: Spoiler alert! If you are behind on seasons of Downton Abbey, this post might spoil a little something for you. So proceed with caution.

Now on to It's OK Thursday.

It's OK...

...that I sort of love when LG gets sick, because it is the only time ever that he wants to be held all day long. And he says cute little things like "Ah hode Mama" (I hold Mama) and "Up Peese" (Pick me up please).

...that the best thing I have ever taught him is to blow through his nose when I hold a tissue up to it. (Gross I know, but very helpful when you have a toddler with a cold.)

Word Vomit-Breaking A Universal Rule Of Conversation

Happy Word Vomit Monday Everyone!

There is a universal rule of conversation, which goes like this:

You do not complain to someone who has it worse than you.

For example. You do not tell a fat girl how fat you are. You do not complain to a new mother about how tired you are. And you do not tell someone in labor that they have no idea how much something hurt you.

There is a perfect example of this happening in this scene from Friends. (I apologize for the graphic details of labor contained in this scene, which you may not want to see if you are currently pregnant, or if you are not a fan of such things. So if you chose not to watch it, suffice it to say, that Ross breaks this universal rule of conversation.)

Clearly I understand this rule. But does my mouth know it? Obviously not...

Super Mom

The First time I met Nay, was at a Blog Conference. She was classy, and kind, and I never pictured us being friends. Not that the rest of my friends aren't classy, it's just that I thought of her as being way out of my friendship league.

Did I dig myself out of that one? Not really. Sorry friends. Moving on.

Nay as it turns out is one of the most down to earth, supportive and friendly people I have ever known. She always leaves sweet comments on my facebook posts, and likes everything. Come to think of it, I guess I do have a couple other friends like that. Maybe that is why we get along so well.

I am honored to have her guest post on my Blog today, and hope you will all pay a visit to her totally inspirational blog Coffee-n-Ink.

"Mommy?!"

{yelled in that sing-song way kids do - from upstairs while I'm downstairs usually}

"Yes, baby?"

"Mommy?!"

"Yes, love?"

{still patient and nice}

"Mommy?!"

I stomp upstairs....thinking, "ugh! why can't she {or he, for that matter} just tell me what she wants. Why do I have to go all the way upstairs? Don't they know I'm busy?"

"Mommy?!"

Word Vomit-Conversation With A Tree Hugging Hippie

Happy Monday. At the end of my last Word Vomit Post, I opened up this series for submissions, and have enjoyed reading the results. It is so refreshing to feel that I am not alone in my suffering. That others out there also share my disease. 

Here is a story from one of my fellow sufferers. Sarah Bluestar:

--- So there I was, a college student at a trade school, which is known for being super touchy-feely and overall pretty woo woo, ya know. So I had a TA who was, beyond being brilliant at what he taught, and probably the most knowledgeable guy in Utah on the particular subject. The epitome of a tree-hugging hippie. 

Source

A Letter of Concern -Dear Cousin

Dear Cousin in Arizona,

I was so excited to get your text about your new baby being born! It was so exciting that I didn't even mind that it came at 12:45am. 

My excitement quickly ended however when I received a response text from someone else. And realized it was a group text.

Word Vomit-My Trip To The Motherland

Recently I took a trip to the Motherland, the place where my Father was born, where many people who share my culture live, or return to, to attend college, and/or raise their families. I personally cannot live there. I need to live in California, because If I moved to the Motherland I would literally dry up like a fish in the desert. However I do enjoy visiting there often, to see my friends and family, to shop, and to feel like I am not the only one in the world like me.

It's OK to Wait and Wish

It's OK 

...that I never really got "baby hungry" again after LG was born.

...that I just wanted my kids to be born close together because I liked being close in age to my siblings.

...that The Rookie convinced me months ago, that we should wait until the baby is born to find out if it is a boy or a girl.

...that he changed his mind a couple weeks later. But it was too late because I was already on board.

...that every time we have an ultra sound, we tell the Ultrasound Tech not to let us know the gender. Then we both sit there with our eyes glued to the screen, hoping that we will accidently see a gender discerning body part.

A Necklace And Some Dreams.

Last year I attended an A-Maz-Ing Mini Blog Conference called Elevate. At the conference, I received a swag bag with several awesome parting gifts in it.  One of which was this sweet necklace from Brag About It.

How fitting, I'm bragging about it.

When I first saw it, I thought it was lovely, but the hot air balloon didn't quite speak to me.  Maybe if it was a dolphin, or a lemon, or a starfish, or a star, or any number of other tchotchki type images that I have come to love over the years.  But I wasn't quite in love with it.  My first thought was to gift it to someone. But then I began thinking about Hot Air Balloons.

I remembered The Rookie describing to me what Sonoma County California was like.  (He lived there in College.)  And that he really wanted to take me there and take me up in a hot air balloon.

Source

This got me thinking about how he has dreams for us too.  I sometimes throw myself a pitty party when I think about all of the things that I want to do.  The places I want to visit, the things I want to see, the "what ifs", and  "I wishes", and it gets me pretty bummed.